What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 12:35
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
How is sex with a woman for gay men?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
How can someone in your family purposely try to destroy your reputation?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I said to her
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im still living with it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So whats the point in blame.